don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
