I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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