sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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