One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
