just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
