I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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