I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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