Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
