I think I am morally bankrupt
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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