tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
