i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
