Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you traded sex for a burrito?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
