Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
