One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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