my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
