I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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