If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
