U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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