I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
