i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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