Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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