i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
