There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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