he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
