Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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