Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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