If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
