Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
