He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
