she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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