....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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