she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
