I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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