Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
