I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I stole a fireplace last night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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