I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
