i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
