she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
