I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We just shotgunned beers for America
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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