i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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