I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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