a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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