lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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