Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
