Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
