So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm passing your future prison.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I need to align my fucking chakras
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
