it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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