well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
