My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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