I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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