Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
