I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
