Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
