Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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