so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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