I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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