I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
As shirtless as possible
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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