we made out on top of his cat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
